When we adopted our daughter from China in August 2017, our family chose to keep her world as small as possible in the first weeks after arriving home. This meant limiting trips out of the house, keeping visitors to a minimum, and spending lots of time with just our immediate family. Of course, I had no idea that COVID-19 would force us into that practice again more than two years later, with the added pressure of being special needs parents during a global pandemic.

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In adoption speak, they call the bonding time after adoption cocooning. Our goal was to foster trust and attachment between our new daughter and the rest of us. That is the foundation for all the other steps in healthy development and it is built by intentionally spending time together building a relationship.

Thankfully, that process went well and we were gradually able to take L to pediatric therapies, outings, family gatherings, church, restaurants, and more. We were thrilled with the progress she made!

At the beginning of 2020, she was securely attached to both of her parents and loved going out to do new things. As a new four-year-old, she was thriving in a half-day preschool program, treated church like a party where she was the guest of honor, was a favorite of Costco employees, and had even had more than one sleepover at my parents’ house. Every day she wanted to know where we were going and was disappointed if we didn’t have something planned.

L supporting her brother at a basketball game before coronavirus lockdown.

Though still delayed, her speech and language made huge strides. She was using simple sentences and finally starting to put consonant sounds at the end of words. L was also throwing fewer tantrums and hardly ever banged her head on the floor. Over the past couple of years, I built a rockstar team of speech therapists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, teachers, doctors, friends, and family members that have carried her (and me!) through.

When a child spends the first 18 months of her life in an orphanage, there are inevitable challenges to overcome. My husband supported my decision to leave the traditional workforce to work at home so that we could focus more on her needs. But I do not have the skills or knowledge to best address each area of concern. That’s where the team filled in the gaps, spurring tons of progress in our sweet daughter.

Then COVID-19 brought life as we knew it to an abrupt halt.

When I picked L up from preschool on March 13, I knew that it would be a little while before she returned. Now, we know that won’t happen at all the rest of the semester. No more circle time on the carpet, no help transitioning between activities, and no playground recess with her friends. The support provided by multiple professionals on her individual education plan (IEP) will no longer occur in the classroom.

This is one activity from her non-traditional instruction (NTI) packet for special needs preschool at home.

I can’t pick her up from school and head to private speech. She won’t climb in the therapy gym with her OT. We can’t go to storytime at the library. She can’t spend an afternoon with her grandparents.

Instead, we’ve been forced back to the cocooning stage right after the adoption. Except this time, it’s to keep us and our neighbors safe and healthy, a premise I wholeheartedly agree with. But that doesn’t take away the sting of the sudden dramatic change.

Of course, everyone is mourning the loss of jobs, vacations, sports, parties, graduations, haircuts, strolls through the mall, and so much more. One of my dear friends is an ICU nurse treating COVID-19 patients and the stories she shares are heartbreaking and anxiety-producing. People are facing unprecedented uncertainty and I could fill pages upon pages with the difficulties thrust upon businesses, families, and individuals. I know that so far my family is extremely lucky to have avoided the worst consequences of this pandemic.

Find ways to make life easier at home here. 

But to the moms and dads of kids from hard places, special needs parents, the little ones who need more attention and assistance to get through the day—I see you. I know the worry of losing the ground you’ve worked so hard to gain. The guilt of having to spend so much time with one child at the expense of your others. The stress of figuring out how to get the only food they will eat for breakfast when store shelves are bare.

I see you gathering items for Zoom speech therapy and thinking about what is needed for a sensory diet. Trying to replicate reflex exercises, picture schedules, and tripod grips. Working in movement breaks and calm-down activities. Wondering how you’ll get your child to keep on a mask and wash their hands when the time comes to transition back into public life.

I see you because I am you. Some days I do a great job. Other days, we survive. Most are somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

God bless the teachers and therapists who had to fundamentally change the way they teach overnight. I’m so thankful for the non-traditional instruction, teletherapy, and regular check-ins. But I can’t help but feel like I went from having a team approach to my child’s development one day to playing all by myself the next.

Just add Mickey Mouse to your backpack and do some teletherapy or NTI preschool work. Just a normal day during COVID-19!

The pressure to be a special education teacher, therapist, or doctor (I had to give my daughter an eye exam today for a telehealth appointment?!?!) isn’t realistic. I am taking all the advice and implementing what I can. But what I need to remember is that my most important job right now is being a mom.

Hopefully, our kids won’t lose the skills they’ve gained. If the first weeks of adoption parenting taught me anything, it was you must focus on the relationship with the child first. So I’m going to make that the priority again while we are given the opportunity to cocoon once more. And I encourage you to give yourself permission to do the same.

Note: I recognize that there are parents dealing with medically fragile children and more intense special needs than mine. For some perspective on life on the front lines of social distancing as special needs parents, check out this story from ABC News. 

You may also like:

The Best Ways to Make Life Easier When You’re Stuck at Home

How to Celebrate the Beauty and Embrace the Trauma of Adoption

My Experience with Special Needs Parenting