Hi, friends! This post is part two of my reflection What to Expect in the First Year After International Adoption. If you haven’t already, you’ll want to read part 1 here. After you’re finished, pick up where we left off below:

Food and Drink

Though L was 18 months old when we met her, the orphanage primarily fed her formula from a bottle. They would mix rice cereal with it to make it more filling and cut a larger opening in the nipple. The nannies said she had eaten some congee (a rice porridge dish common in China) and fruit was mentioned in passing by someone. We were handed a bottle, a can of formula, and some rice cereal mix to take with us.

Even though solid foods were more appropriate for her age, we didn’t want to change quickly change her diet when everything else was different for her. So we followed the instructions involving boiling hot water to make her first bottle and she refused it. Then she refused it again later, and the next day, and the next.

Our girl was NOT going back to a bottle.

She would eat a little congee and rice cereal the first few days, along with some fruit from the hotel breakfast buffet. But she would not drink anything. Then she stopped eating anything except melons, bananas, and baby puffs we brought from home. I got concerned and called the international adoption pediatrician on her cell phone from China. She said to give her foods with a high water content to make sure she didn’t get dehydrated, then survive and get home.

So that’s what we did. Hand feeding bananas (one of about only 10 foods I can’t stand) to her while strapped to me in a LILLEbaby carrier for a 14-hour plane ride was not my favorite experience, but we made it.

Children who can’t control anything else in the lives can take a stand on food. And she did. It was sad, frustrating, concerning, and made me proud that she had such fight in her, all at the same time.

At home, she wanted to eat ALL THE TIME. She quickly learned that the pantry had food and went to it countless number of times throughout the day. The pediatrician said she would expect her to eat about as much as a grown man for up to a year until her stomach and brain learn that there will always be food. That has proven true!

We fed her pretty much whenever she wanted to build trust and to meet the felt need of hunger. Even if she doesn’t remember consciously that she was food insecure in her past, her body doesn’t forget. At first, she would stuff her mouth with as much as she could get in there and we had to carefully watch all the time. Even if she told us she is finished with a meal, she’ll still grab a last handful of anything she can see as you clear her plate.

But I’m happy to report that she is slowing on her consumption rate. She had a minor outpatient procedure about a month ago and I was more nervous about not feeding her breakfast than anything. After a few tears, she recovered quickly and didn’t even ask again until we left the office a few hours later. L still eats more than most kids her age, but she seems to be falling into more typical feeding patterns.

She’s gained around six pounds in the past year, which was about one-third of her body weight the time we met her! We still have to encourage her to drink enough fluids throughout the day, and she’s only started drinking milk in the past week, but good nutrition has made such a difference in her overall health and well-being.

Attachment and Trauma

Much of the pre-adoption training we received was related to attachment and trauma. I’m not an expert, but pretty much any adoption preparation is rooted in these areas. An article from No Hands But Ours says that attachment is “based on a relationship, a relationship that the child had come to associate with safety and security through his or her needs being met.”

For most kids, attachment is easily formed with parents at birth and in the early stages because their needs are met and they feel secure at home. While we don’t know details of L’s story, she was likely met with multiple traumatic events including abandonment, illness, hospitalization, months of orphanage care, food insecurity, adoption by people she’s never met, and moving from every sight, sound, and smell she’s ever known.

It’s a lot for one young child to experience and the impact is far-reaching. To minimize additional trauma and promote attachment to us, we spent the first few months as the only providers of her basic needs. As parents, we fed, bathed, changed diapers, and put her to sleep so that she could see consistent care. Our goal was to keep her world as small as possible while she adjusted.

Even with our best efforts at cocooning, daycare transitions, and having one of us with her pretty much around the clock, the effects of trauma came pouring out. She would completely shut down in new situations, which is how she spent much of her early days with us. Then she moved to violent head banging just to have control of something.

Sleep was the time when her brain processed most of the changes and more often than not meant screaming, inconsolable night terrors. Sometimes it was sad, silent tears that ran down her little cheeks. Nathan and I took turns sleeping in her room, at first with L on our chests in the recliner we initially bought for infant nighttime feedings with our son. Eventually, we could move to one of us sleeping on a mattress on the floor beside her crib.

Beyond sleep, other signs of trauma pop up all over the place. For example, she doesn’t respond appropriately to pain. Other kids fall and scrape their knee and come up crying and reaching for a parent. L just picks herself up, bleeding or not, and moves on. She wasn’t used to anyone responding to her cries, so she learned it wasn’t a useful practice. We’ve had to fuss over everything to teach her that parents take care of hurts.

We’ve also dealt with throwing of plates and objects, “rooting” or other head stimulation common of lots of time spent in a crib, indiscriminate affection or inappropriate boundaries with strangers, lack of response to wet/soiled diapers, and so many others.

She quickly learned that we were her people and she looks for me or Nathan in a crowded room or to see if it is okay to proceed. We share hugs, kisses, bedtime snuggles, and she comes to us with bumps and bruises. Now we often get nights of uninterrupted sleep or can settle her quickly, though we still have the extra mattress propped against the wall just in case.

However, she will not go to sleep for anyone other than us or in a new place. Trying to get her to nap at my mom’s house, even with us there, sent her into near hyperventilation. This is something that has actually been worse as time passes instead of getting better. Maybe this is because she really enjoys having her own room and a bed that she likes. Regardless, it may be a long time before we have a night completely away from the kids. In the meantime, we are enjoying early bird special date nights!

Attachment is going well, but trauma is going to pop up in various aspects of her life for a long time. I heard it explained that we all have a “fight or flight” instinct and kids from hard places often get stuck in that mode for extended periods of time. This causes stress and quick defensive reactions in everyday circumstances. There are still behaviors that we attribute to trauma, but it’s so difficult to know what is her personality, trauma, or just simply being a two year old.

Life and Family after Adoption

L isn’t the only one who has changed in the course of the past year. Our entire family dynamic has shifted. Someone told me that going from one kid to two kids is more difficult than from zero to one. I’m not sure that I would state it that way but adding the second child has completely altered the way we parent.

We missed my son’s first week of kindergarten while in China. I was an absolute wreck over this, but it turns out that it wasn’t a big deal at all. He took a few days to adjust to the jet lag and started elementary school for the first time. He went from an only child who got to hang out with Nana while I worked to a big brother attending school pretty much overnight.

Any of those things would have been tough on their own, but together were a lot. I learned that my sweet son was a champ of a traveler who handled stressful situations better than most adults. He also bonded quickly with his little sister, and vice versa, because they were together from the beginning. But as much as he loves L, there are still times that he misses having Mom and Dad to himself.

He’s clingier and more emotional than he was a year ago. I’ve also been able to see how helpful and compassionate he is. Over the summer, J would ask to go get in L’s crib after naptime where they would play and giggle until I came to get them. He reads her books, shows her new things, and teaches her all about dinosaurs. They adore one another, and I am so happy they have siblings to grow up with. (I’m sure one day they can complain about me and Nathan together, but I’ll just pretend we are completely rocking out parenting for now!)

In many ways, it has been the year of L. Between medical appointments, therapies, dealing with sleep issues, and not being able to leave her anywhere without us for long, much of all our lives have revolved around our girl. We have made intentional efforts to keep J involved in activities and fun stuff just for him. Nathan and I try our best to get a couple of hours to ourselves for a date each month. It is tricky to balance two kids in very different stages. Striking a balance is tough and there are many days that all the things simply don’t get finished.

Despite the struggles, so much good has come from adding a fourth member to the family. We’re all more flexible (most of the time). There is more laughter and joyful sounds that fill our home. When there are big changes and challenges, you learn not to sweat the small stuff. We are more intentional with our time. And there is exponentially more love.

Adoption has shown us that love is a choice. It doesn’t take biology or last names to make a family. You just get up each day and choose to love each other again and again. Choose love on the sleepless nights, through the tears, when trauma rears its ugly head, when it’s easy, and when it’s hard. At the end of the day, it isn’t cute photos or warm fuzzy feelings that make it all worthwhile. I’ve learned that you just love sacrificially the people you were given. Love makes a family!

Parenting on Faith

I’ve learned more about myself throughout this adoption process than I could ever have imagined. More importantly, I’ve seen up close and personal how much God loves me. He has calmed my fears and deepened my faith. I’ve watched time and time again as he has provided for us financially through adoption expenses and quitting my job. He shows up in unexpected ways time and time again to make this challenging journey one that we can walk through with peace.

You see, there are no guarantees in parenting. You can do all the “right” things from the womb until they go off to college. Read all the books, find like-minded friends, choose the best schools, avoid all the processed foods, and never miss a bedtime. Or you can step in and fumble your way through parenting a child whose life before you was filled with real hurt, heartache, and abandonment.

Whatever the circumstances, our kids are going to grow up to be adults who make their own decisions and live their own lives. Only by the grace of God and our best, yet imperfect, efforts do they become decent, responsible human beings.

Throughout the past year, I have learned that parenting is just doing your best and trusting that the Lord of the universe is in control. Only when we relinquish our grip on the ideals of what we think parenting is supposed to look like do we experience the full blessing of who God made our kids to be. And that is so much better than my little mind could dream up anyway.

There is nothing special about Nathan and me that makes us qualified to raise an internationally adopted child, nor is there anything that deems us fit to bring up our biological son. Once these little people are under your care, you just love them and provide the best possible home for them. We decided to take a leap of faith when we felt that tug on our hearts to grow our family a less traditional way.

If we hadn’t said yes when God asked us to begin this journey, I would have missed the biggest adventure of my life. Don’t watch from the sidelines if you feel the nudge to walk this road behind us.

If you would like to learn more about adoption or how to get started, I would be happy to help! No Hands But Ours is a great resource for families considering China adoptions. Adoption.com has all kinds of information on the different ways you can choose adoption to grow a family. Or you can email me any questions and I’ll try my best to point you in the right direction.

Don’t forget to check out all my adoption journey posts here! And for information on ways to fund an adoption, there are great ideas on my Adoption Grants and Fundraising page and you can download my list of 101 Adoption Fundraising Ideas here. 

Books recommended for adoptive parents during our agency’s training through the National Council for Adoption:

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karen B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

With Eyes Wide Open: A Workbook for Parents Adopting International Children by Margi Miller and Nancy Ward

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky

Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family by Andrew Adesman, Christine Adamec, and Susan Caughman

Help for the Hopeless Child: A Guide for Families) by Ronald S. Federici

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.