This post is part of a series of real-life adoption stories with guest authors. The goal is to show that you don’t have to be a superhero to adopt, just an ordinary person who says “yes.” These stories highlight a variety of perspectives and issues related to adoption from the people who live them every day. Crystal shares her journey with the foster care system. Read on to see how she and her family come to terms with the reality of fostering to adopt.

Pin me!

My husband Jeremy and I have always known we wanted to adopt. It was something we talked about while we were dating. After being married for four years, we had our first biological child, Emma. I found so much joy in being a mom. I loved every minute of it. I had previously worked as a teacher, but when our daughter was born, I became a stay-at-home mom. I babysat my niece each day who was the same age as Emma. Life was good, but I knew I wanted more children.

Beginning the Foster-to-Adopt Journey

When my daughter turned three, my husband and I decided to start our adoption journey. The cost of adoption was a major factor in our decision to foster to adopt. I didn’t have many people in my life to consult about adoption and those that I did ask either did not have time to respond or told me that they had paid for it outright, which I knew was not an option for us.

(For more information on funding an adoption, check out my Adoption Grants and Fundraising page.)

My husband was very excited about fostering. Catch and release he called it. Help a child and then send them on their way. Help another child and then send them on. The concept was difficult for me to swallow at the time. I am more of a give me a child and I’ll love them forever kind of girl. Not a love the child and then return them person. But I agreed to find out more about it.

We went to an informational meeting a few weeks later, and I’ll admit, I walked away overwhelmed and completely disheartened. We were told about the kind of things that kids in foster care experience and how that can affect their overall development. In addition, we were told “There is no such thing as foster to adopt. The goal is always reunification…until it isn’t.”

I was ready to walk away, but my husband insisted that we should continue. He felt that we should walk this path. We finished nine weeks of foster care classes and became licensed in March 2014. By that point, we both were ready to take this on. Read about the importance of marital communication in adoption here.

Our First Foster Care Placement

We were so excited for our first placement. We specified that we could take one child, under age three so that my daughter could maintain her oldest child status. I jumped at every phone call for months after that. FINALLY, six months later, on September 18, 2014, we got our first placement.

We picked up a sweet newborn baby boy from the hospital. He was healthy but was detoxing from being exposed to drugs in utero. We instantly fell in love with him. My daughter was four at the time and she went into big sister mode. She entertained him every day. A few weeks before our sweet baby boy arrived, I found out that I was pregnant with our second child. It was exhausting being pregnant and taking care of a newborn. We never regretted it though. He was such a joy.

Then, unexpectedly on October 28, I got a phone call that our baby boy was going to be leaving us to go live with his aunt. They allowed us to keep him a few more days to pack up his things and say goodbye. The pain was so raw. My heart was completely shattered. He really felt like my own child. We had spent so many sleepless nights feeding him and rocking him that he truly was my baby. It was a huge loss. I cried a lot every day for many weeks.

Sometimes Placements Are Short But Sweet

A few months later on February 3, 2015, we received another phone call. A three-month-old baby girl had been shaken. She was at the hospital in a nearby major city undergoing an operation on her brain but would need somewhere to go afterward for a few days. We said yes. I was getting to be VERY pregnant by that point, but I could handle cuddling a baby for a few days.

It ended up being three weeks, but this little baby girl was the most content, easy-going, smiling baby I had ever met. We enjoyed every moment with her. I got a phone call suddenly one day that she would be leaving us in a few hours. I scrambled to pack up her belongings and cuddle her as long as possible. When she left, we were very sad and we cried, but we knew from the start that she was never going to stay long. 

Foster Care Gives You Freedom to Change Your Plan

My son Xander was born in April 2015. We took some time off from fostering to focus on him. We still had to meet up with our licensing worker every six months, but otherwise were not fostering. When my son turned one, we explored the idea of taking in a teenager from a legally free-to-adopt list in our state. However, after months of getting to know her and her situation, we decided that with two small children in our home, our family was not going to be a good fit for her needs.

At that point, we put ourselves back on the fostering call list but did not receive a call for a very long time. We opened up our age range and also opened up how many children we were willing to take. We said we could take up to three kids and ages five and under.

Our Current Foster Care Placement

On March 13, 2018, we received a call for our current placement. There were three children. A five-year-old boy, an almost two-year-old girl, and a 10-month-old girl. After just 24 hours, the boy was able to go home to his dad, but the two little ones stayed with us, as they did not have known fathers.

When they first arrived, we noticed right away that the two year old, Violet, acted like an adult. She took care of her baby sister Jill. Violet did not know how to play. If we tried to give her a toy, she would hand it to her baby sister. If we changed her diaper, Violet would point to her sister to tell us to change Jill’s as well. If we gave Violet food, she would make sure that we fed Jill as well. Violet was a little mommy.

She had odd survivalist skills. Violet could open packages and bottles that a normal child wouldn’t even try. She was terrified of men, would not allow herself to be hugged, and really struggled to trust all adults. She did not speak aside from the occasional word from her list of five that she knew. Pointing and grunting was her sole form of communication.

Over time, Violet grew so much. She had speech therapy and learned to talk. We went to play therapy to help her learn to trust. Violet had lots of doctor appointments as we discovered that she had a hearing loss. Our little Violet has really come a long way from the child we met so long ago.

Violet and Jill have been with us for almost two years now. Violet has finally learned to fully trust us. She definitely has a strong personality and she’s always looking to control situations. She feels like her current situation is out of her control…which it is.

Trauma and Love Coexist with Foster Care

Our girls’ current goal is still reunification with their bio mom. In all honesty, this case has been a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like it’s a 50/50 chance at this point whether they will go or stay. I know we will be devastated and cry a lot if they leave us. But if they stay, I know we have a long road ahead of us as there is SO much work to be done to overcome the trauma of little Violet’s past.

Violet is still working through control, trust, and attachment issues. We feel like her younger sister shows very few effects of trauma. Jill does have a flat head that will not ever resolve due to being left lying down or in a seat too long as a baby. Aside from that, we don’t see the trauma like we do with Violet.

The trauma that some of these kids endure is real. There’s no certainty that they will overcome their past. But our love for these girls is real and we are family through and through. We will be heartbroken if they leave. I don’t allow myself to think of the depth of grief we will endure if they have to go.

Foster Care Isn’t About Me

Over time, I have come to realize that foster care is less about finding a child to complete your family and more about a journey. An opportunity to step up and help a child that is going through a really hard time in their life. The chance to really make a difference in this world.

So, I’m coming to realize that my family may never adopt. I cry about that sometimes. It’s always been my dream to adopt. However, I am realizing that this journey is less about me, and more about helping others. If I can help a child when they need me the most, I have accomplished something good. It might not be what I had in mind, but it is something good nonetheless. 

You may also like:

How to Adopt and Stay on the Same Page with Your Spouse

How to Celebrate the Beauty and Embrace the Trauma of Adoption

8 Ways We Raise $35,123.51 for Our Adoption Without Debt